Not For Your Ears
by Woman-Like Girl
Summary: Songfic based on an Evanescence album -title-. Kyoya's life turns upside down. Tamaki's mother dies and changes everything between the two boys, affecting the entire Host Club along with a maybe in love Haruhi. What will happen now? ON HIATUS
1. Whisper

A/N: Ok, another TamaxKyo fanfic, a very angsty one may I add. I just had this nostalgic day on a weekend and suddenly boom! I had an entire story in my head with the album I needed to make it. Hope you like it and review.

Ps.: Don't worry about updates I've got 7 chapters ready _already _so I promise to update in 20 days max.

Ok I get that you don't like me anymore but _**please please review**_ ç--ç! It won't hurt you.

--

**Whisper**

The hypocrisy of it all seemed to fill the room and choke him. It was another party, one of those that he had no choice but _to go._ He wished he had the option to say no. He loved money and power but this was beyond. All these people…in truth were just looking for a way to ruin him.

_Catch me as I fall  
Say you're here and it's all over now  
Speaking to the atmosphere_

His family was there, his sister seemed incredibly uncomfortable, after all her only purpose was to accompany her husband, and being a shadow seemed to be wearing her down. He only wished he could do something. But the Ootori name prevented him from doing anything.

If there was anything that truly hurt him this was it. To see his sister, the one that cared for him and took care of him like a mother would, be hurt and worn down by this ridiculous rules his family has.

What hurts him even more is that his hands are tied and he is powerless...he cannot save himself from it much less save her.

_No one's here and I fall into myself  
This truth drives me into madness  
I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away  
If I will it all away_

Besides his own flesh and blood he did not truly know any of the weird human beings that filled the gigantic and bright room. The yellow light from the Swarovski chandeliers made everything look as if it is prettier. But Kyoya could see the ugliness of it all on the fake smiles of the man and women he talked to.

"Such a shame you are the third son. But I am sure your brothers will do their best huh?" The man, Mr. Whatever sarcastically said. Apparently he was the owner of a major furniture company that supplied beds, couches and other things to the Ootori hospitals. So Kyoya swallowed his anger and smiled.

"I am sure they will. Now I am sorry but I need to quickly talk to someone." He lied and left the little circle of conversation. He could feel their gazes on him, burning holes through him, seeing his very soul. They were all looking for a way to make him snap…so he would stop being such a bother to his brothers and father. So he would accept his fate with no struggle.

_Don't turn away  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
Don't try to hide_

But despite his best efforts to stay hidden and leave as soon as possible all he could was stay there and be political. This was his future no mater what he did, no matter how frightened he felt just by the thought of becoming someone like his father. He wished and he despised it all at once. It isn't all bad…it is just painful to know that there is no way out. He cannot chose a different way of life…he is forever stuck.

As soon as he escaped a boring conversation or accusation about his way of contradicting his unchangeable fate he found an excuse and got out of the sea of people judging him - until someone else came along and called his name…the cycle beginning again.

_(Though they're screaming your name)  
Don't close your eyes  
(God knows what lies behind them)  
Don't turn out the light  
(Never sleep, never die)  
_

All Ootoris seemed to be worshiped in some way. The amazing doctors and prodigious sons; not to mention his sister of course, the perfect wife. The perfect and most amazing lie his father came up with.

He wondered what his mother would feel if she saw them now. He was sure that this life she was forced to chose was what killed her. He was sure she only got sick because his father was a horrible and absent husband.

What would have happened if she was still alive? If she could talk to them and speak her mind...maybe his brothers woldn't be copys of his father. Maybe his sister had not married someone she didn't love. Maybe he would have the chance to live a different life.

Ormaybe he just wanted to hope that, to believe that there was a way to escape that simply didn't work...maybe he didn't want to believe that there was never and there won't be never; a way to escape.

_I'm frightened by what I see  
But somehow I know that there's much more to come  
Immobilized by my fear_

This used to be all he ever wanted, this power over everyone…but now…now he feels a tremor run through his body as he realizes that as the years pass his identity slowly disappears. It vanishes between the fake smiles and the lies.

He stops at the main entrance where he suddenly finds himself though he isn't sure how he got there. The saloon is bright yellow and the dresses and suits glow showing of the richness of the people inside. He tries to remember one year in his life when he didn't have to come to one of these events but he doesn't.

Before he notices he is talking to strangers again. They mention his brothers and the company once more, without mentioning him; someone makes a joke and though he is laughing his eyes water. But not from amusement.

_And soon to be blinded by tears  
I can stop the pain if I will it all away  
If I will it all away_

He blinks fast as he sees familiar faces. Tamaki is there, Haruhi is accompanying him. Apparently Yuzuru and Ranka are competing to see who can say more great things about the Fujioka girl in the shortest time. Kyoya swallows hard, the knot on his throat hurting more and more as he _knows_ _he was left behind._

"I am her true father! I am supposed to talk to the university owners! Not you." He hears them fight from afar since Ranka and Tamaki are not exactly the most discreet people in the world.

He prays that his father has not noticed, he prays he doesn't have to go over there, he wishes with every cell of his body that he does not have to move, he can stay exactly where he is and not see the even more painful reality and situation unfolding before his eyes.

Two words describe the answer to his prayers and wishes: ...Yeah, right.

_Don't turn away  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
Don't try to hide_

_(Though they're screaming your name)  
_

Yoshio flashes his best prototype of a smile and walks towards the blonde family trying to impress them and the ones around them obviously. His brothers and himself follow like a dog on a leash, mouths curving upwards, and hands stand in the air waiting to shaken. If he could relive this moment he would be far from there by now.

Tamaki smiles brightly at Kyoya for a moment…_for a moment_ being the keywords. Soon his attention is back to the brown eyed girl. Kyoya's smile faltered and he eyed her with the envy and latent anger ha actually felt. But that happened in seconds and his smile was back in no time.

Not like Tamaki would notice. With Haruhi around it didn't matter if Kyoya burst in flames beside him.

_Don't close your eyes  
(God knows what lies behind them)  
Don't turn out the light  
(Never sleep, never die)_

They all shake hands and trade smiles, Haruhi seems annoyed. Oh how he envied the commoner. She had the choice, the one he always wanted to have. Tamaki has his best and most honest smile ever as he stands proudly beside the girl he _surely knows he loves._ Their friendship is starting to fade…how much of it was true anyway? For another moment Kyoya's eyes shows what he is thinking. If only Tamaki could see the unspoken words hidden on Kyoya's grey orbs.

How he wished Tamaki would see, and shed Kyoya from his maks all over again. Unfortunately that is not going to happen anytime soon.

_Fallen angels at my feet  
Whispered voices at my ear  
Death before my eyes_

"_You were a lie as well…" _Kyoya could almost hear his heart breaking a little more. He doesn't know Tamaki anymore. How he feels, what he thinks. They don't talk like before…why is the brunette the one of the two that must suffer? Why always him?

His brothers are just fine with their positions in the company, his sister, though hurting is getting used to her life and eager to have a baby, Tamaki obviously will do well in his life, marry someone he loves and chose what he wants to do when it comes to working.

Why does it feel like he is the only one suffering in the midst of all of this?

_Lying next to me I fear  
She beckons me shall I give in  
Upon my end shall I begin  
Forsaking all I've fallen for I rise to meet the end_

After chatting to those he was supposed to he sits alone in the table marked "Reserved", his name on a little name tag. Haruhi seems to want to talk to him as she approaches, she must be feeling out of place. He smiles, and she sees the lies. He only wishes he could blind her.

"Why aren't you spending anymore time with Tamaki-senpai? I thought you two always stayed together at these events. Being best friends and all." She "innocently mentions and he can't help but wish that God could strike him or her dead now. He almost leaves her talking to herself. But being rude is not an option tonight.

"We did. Things change." He simply said an took a sip of the liquid content on his glass not even bothering to taste or see what it is. It could be poison or orange juice but he didn't care it all had the same bitter taste to him in moments like these.

_Don't turn away  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
Don't try to hide  
(Though they're screaming your name)_

She stares at him and he stares back, the small curve of the lips never leaving its place. He can't blind her and he can't hide it, he is not the same, nothing is. He wishes he could mention, say, _whisper_ that it is all her fault.

_Don't close your eyes  
(God knows what lies behind them)  
Don't turn out the light  
(Never sleep, never die)  
_

But if he did do so he would be blinding himself. He cannot ignore the facts and close his eyes to the truth. He is to be accused as well. He is the one who did nothing as the perfect family and world around him slowly started to crumble. _They both whisper for they are both guilty._

Don't turn away  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
Don't try to hide  
(Though they're screaming your name)

He stands and motions her to sit in his place. It is the only time he notices how beautiful she looks. The basic light pink dress gives her a feminine look that people rarely see. But he knows she is good looking. Just as his king. He wanted to have more time to linger on the thought…but the "party" goes on, the show goes on. His masks _are always on._

He gets up to greet some important multinational company's owner and decides to give his sister a drink. He walks by Tamaki who is happily chatting with some important members of famous colleges, he goes by unnoticed though this one time he misses – he will deny ever _thinking_ this – Tamaki's snaps. The ones where he got jumped on by the blonde.

_Don't close your eyes  
(God knows what lies behind them)  
Don't turn out the light  
(Never sleep, never die)_

Around three in the morning the social event ended, everyone leaving home after some had too much to drink, or didn't eat well or ate too well. He fit into none of these categories, he left because everyone was leaving and staying would be pointless.

All in all the night was tiring. Seeing the blonde idiot swoon over the androgynous brunette being the worst part.

He arrives home quickly and throws himself on his bed even quicker, he does not want to leave time to wonder or think about the things that hurts him – though he know he will. His room is awfully quiet and cold. No matter how many blanquettes are wrapped around him he never seems to lose the cold. The cold feel of loneliness.

He lies on his back, staring at the boring white ceiling. Everything in his room is organized and in place, there is nothing there that defines his personality, not even a trace of the real Kyoya. Just a room that mirrors the image he created for himself.

_Don't turn away  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
Don't try to hide  
(Though they're screaming your name)_

And though he is alone and no one is talking to him, no one is there to make him think about his life or his business, though everything ended for a few hours and in these precious hours he will be dead to the world…he knows he will dream about the lies he tells, about the masks he wears, he will look at his room, at his house and as he cannot call it his home…he will hear…the whispers.

_Don't close your eyes  
(God knows what lies behind them)  
Don't turn out the light  
(Never sleep, never die)_

_**"You are the biggest lie…"**_

**_--_**

A/N: This is definitely the most difficult fic I have written so far. I think it can be a bit boring in this first chapters but by the third you will have a little twist and story will begin to develop. So stick with me!

Ok I get that you don't like me anymore but _**please please review**_ ç--ç! It won't hurt you.


	2. Everybody's Fool

**A/N:**

ishpeekable: Thank you so much for reviewing ;--;! I though I would not get even one review for the first chapter! Well, I am so glad you liked it, but as I warned on the first chapter, story will _really_ begin to develop by the third chapter, I call these first two sort of prologue, a entrance to Kyo's mind. Anyway, this is the new chappie, please review again and read ;--;! -gets on knees and begs-

Ok I get that you don't like me anymore but _**please please review**_ ç--ç! It won't hurt you.

--

**Everybody's Fool**

He breathed deeply. Another day had officially begun. His alarm clock ran wildly in his nightstand as he blindly reached for it, banged his hand against it, trying to make it stop before he got even more annoyed. Sleep seemed to come and go too soon, he wished he could run from reality just a tad more.

How he did to manage to get to school looking respectable he can barely remember, the fogginess of having just woken up blurring his mind and erasing his memories. The school is half full as the students talk about what they did on the weekend, how much they spent, or how horrible someone or something was.

_Perfect by nature  
Icons of self indulgence_

He stands under a tree in front of the main gate as he watches everyone. How amazing they all look, the girls seemed to be made to make school's life less dull. Looking at them and knowing their grades ou almost believe that most of them will become someone big. Truth was most of them came from conservative japanese families like his sister, and shared the same fate she did.

They were all pretending. Pretending to be perfect because that was what they had to do so they could eventually get married and go on their father's steps, assuming the companies, builting more powerful empires. All of this, all of what they are now will disappear. Not even Haruhi saw their masks…she could be smart but not that smart. Because she knows…she is _wearing one as well._

_Just what we all need  
More lies about a world that  
_

She pretends to be a boy, pretends to not like Tamaki when she truly does, pretends to not see that Tamaki and Hikaru are both falling in love with her. But of course she knows the truth, after all it is too obvious for such a _wise and perfect commoner _to miss it.

Of course she ignores it. It is much easier to ignore something that can become a bother than to actually do something about it.

_Never was and never will be  
Have you no shame don't you see me  
You know you've got everybody fooled_

He has an image for himself as well - the cold, calculating, extremely greedy Kyoya Ootori. No one ever doubted his made up personality, no one ever cared too much to actually try to know him. Except Tamaki…not that it matters anymore since he is too far gone for Haruhi. Just like everybody else.

Not even Tamaki can see Kyoya anymore. It hurts to know this but it is the truth. He stopped seeing Kyoya so he could see Haruhi...and now Kyoya is alone again.

_Look here she comes now  
Bow down and stare in wonder  
Oh how we love you_

They arrived together, his dashing smile and innocent blue eyes directed towards her irritated expression and hidden gaze. All the girls in the school seemed to turn to her –obviously buying that she is actually a _he _– and give her a goofy smile. How many hearts would be broken if they ever found out Haruhi's true identity? He could barely count.

_No flaws when you're pretending  
But now I know she_

They both walk up to him, slightly happy to see the brunette and smile. But no day at Ouran can go by without Tamaki's whining.

"Mommyyy! Those devilish twins are following us again! They not even let me have a father-daughter moment with my precious daughter!" He says and puts his hands on Haruhi's shoulders. She sighs and shakes her head.

Kyoya looks around to try to find the twins and he easily does so. They are following Tamaki, malicious smiles on their faces. Kaoru just wants to piss Tamaki off; Hikaru is looking for an excuse to be with Haruhi. And the cycle goes on.

"I could not possibly care less Daddy." I said and took my notebook out of nowhere to write down some notes about their behavior, Tamaki goes to his corner of woe, only to start fighting with Hikaru and Kaoru right afterwards.

The King and the devilish twins fight a lot – now being an example. And between one fight and another he catches a glimpse of Haruhi. She often observes them too, so eventually she can meddle like she always does. Is she really unaware of the fact that they are fighting for her? Can't she see how much Tamaki loves her? Does she even care?

_Never was and never will be  
You don't know how you've betrayed me  
And somehow you've got everybody fooled_

Not like Kyoya can think too much about it. He is too busy trying his best to protect the young King's heart…but it is not being of much use or utility. Tamaki has been blinded by Haruhi and her faked innocence. Yes faked. C'mon, let's face it ever since she arrived on the Host Club she had done nothing but meddled. Showed how incredibly wise she is, how she can see between the lines.

If she is all that and can see behind their masks than how come won't she do anything about him? She is faking, her wisdom, her knowledge. She is no better than any other commoner.

If she truly knew anything about them then she would not meddle, she would try to keep things as they are. Kyoya often wonders what she really wants from them. If she was oh-so wise she would keep her thoughts to herself...but she doesn't, she says whatever pops into her mind and uses her innocence as a disguise.

_Without the mask where will you hide  
Can't find yourself lost in your lies_

But he is in no position to judge her either. He says he is Tamaki's friend because of his wealth. Everyone knows that is a big, fat lie. He loves and always will love Tamaki…in more than a "friendly" way, he supposed. It took him so long to find that out that by the time he did the short commoner girl had already appeared into the picture.

He wished he had seen it sooner, maybe if he had he could have done something before itwas too late. Though he knows now that if he had ever done something before it would only serve as an illusion. Eventually Haruhi would appear in their lives and Tamaki would leave him...for her. This certainty kills him.

The twins and Tamaki continued fighting until the bell rang, Kyoya just observed. The girl beside him did that as well…thinking and probably hoping she was not being observed too. They were so lost inside themselves that they barely realized everything going on around them. Maybe that is why Haruhi has such a hard time realizing her own feelings for the blonde.

Maybe that is why Tamaki will never realize Kyoya's love for him.

_I know the truth now  
I know who you are  
And I don't love you anymore_

Classes were long and boring, the free time between them were even worse. Tamaki kept rambling about the amazing and beautiful daughter. All Kyoya heard was "Blah blah blah daughter, blah blah blah dresses.".

He closed his eyes for an instant, driving his mind away from there, from that moment, trying to "find a happy place". Thanks to that classes went by a bit quicker than usual and soon it was Host Club time.

The Host Club began and the fangirls happily watched their designated hosts for the day. If anything was ridiculous and forged that was the Host Club. Yes Tamaki loves all women…but the King he is on the Club is not the real Tamaki. The twins don't have mutual feelings for each other and Haruhi hates being a host. He knows this and yet he tries so hard to keep everything in place.

People often wonder what is written on Kyoya's notebook. If they read the Host Club would be doomed to failure; for they would know all of their secrets and nothing would remain the same.

_Never was and never will be  
You don't know how you've betrayed me  
And somehow you've got everybody fooled  
_

Today they were planning on giving the girls a couple of presents since it is the International Women's Day. The small necklaces and bracelets made of the finest crystal shone on their necks and wrists.

"But nothing shines more than the sparkle in your eyes milady." Tamaki said and took the girl in his arms preventing her from fainting. They all squealed in delight and begged for him to say the same to each one of them. He shook his head…these girls are easily pleased…_and fooled._

He turned around and observed the twins act - the second most famous and most lucrative act on the Host Club. Notebook on hand he heard them talk.

"Oh Kaoru…no crystal can match the image of your beautiful skin glistening on the moonlight after what we did yesterday…" Hikaru said, pulling the younger one to his arms, wrapping one possessive arm around his twin's waist. Kaoru looked away and batted his lashes, cheeks reddening faking the embarassement.

"You always say these things in front of everyone Hikaru…" Small teardrops form on the corner of his eyes. Hikaru puts a hand on Kaoru's chin and turn his head so they can stare into each other's eyes.

"I just can't help myself Kaoru…you are so beautiful." He said dramatically running a hand on the other red head's cheek.

"Hikaru…" He sighed/whispered and all girls squealed again. Kyoya's glasses got hit by sunlight, hiding his eyes, hiding his disgusted expression at the scene. If only these girls knew how the twins are separating. If only they knew how many times Kyoya had to drive Kaoru to his house because Hikaru had _simply forgotten him._

He sighed and took some notes. Amazing how these girls actually bought their "selling points". Didn't they have anything better to do? Didn't he?

_It never was and never will be  
You're not real and you can't save me  
Somehow now you're everybody's fool_

Kyoya walked passed the main gates of Ouran. Host Club was over and everyone was going home. Hikaru and Tamaki were fighting over again, discussing who would take Haruhi home. Mori and Honey made their way to their limousine and Kaoru said he did walk home today. Not like Hikaru listened.

He caught a quick look Kaoru gave his brother. It was full of sorrow and pain. But soon Kaoru caught his own eyes, quickly trying to hide his pain though he knows it is useless. Kyoya follows him, it is their small ritual. Kaoru lies, saying he will walk home, Kyoya follows him and a block away they both enter the Ootori limousine and Kaoru is driven home by Kyoya.

Not like Hikaru will ever know this.

Kyoya watched Kaoru spacing out, remembers Tamaki and Hikaru's fight over Haruhi and felt as if he was living in an alternative universe. Things had changed so fast and yet he is taking so long to see everything _that did change_. None of them are the same anymore.

Kaoru is quiet, unlike himself; Hikaru is opening up to the world – so like the old Kaoru; Tamaki is blindly in love leaving his best friend behind, a selfish act for such a devoted King. Haruhi is a mistery that he is yet to kow. What happened to them?

Suddenly he feels out of place…he doesn't know and never did know any of them at all.

--

**A/N: **Ok I get that you don't like me anymore but _**please please review**_ ç--ç! It won't hurt you.


	3. Anything For You

**A/N:**

loveless forever: Oh it's ok XD at least you review now and for tht I am grateful. I am happy you love the story! Please keep reading and reviewing.

Yunapie: Kyoya is my favorite as well. I absolutely love KyoxTama, sadly few are the ones that notice this yaoiness on their relationship. Glad you are enjoying my fic, hope I can answer to your expectations! Please keep reading and reviewing.

princesslady: So angsty ne XD? I am an angst whore, what can I do? Anyway, glad you liked it!Please read and review.

flowerchild: I am so very happy you think that I write his perspective well! It is reallyhard to write about Kyoya without being OOC. I hope I can keep up like this and that you continue to like my fic! And thank you for mentioning the complete problem XD' -sweatdrop- I wouldn't have noticed. It's far from complete XD. Please continue to read and review!

LadyJadeBlaze: Glad you liked it ), it's updated! Please read and review!

**Don't forget to review people XDD!**

**Anything for You**

It is Saturday. Apparently Tamaki is coming over to sleep at his house for the weekend. It's been sometime since they have done this. Kyoya misses the blonde's presence. Whenver Tamaki is there, Kyoya actually feel home. His scent, his smiles and happiness fill his room and his house, puts color into the dull white and warms his heart.

But of course that he is only coming to plan something to get Haruhi in a dress or a bikini or something like that. Kyoya wonders if he will be able to ignore this and be happy with just having him there. Can the light that Tamaki carries fill the dark corners of his broken heart?

Can he forget the times when it was just them and accept the present?

_I'd give anything to give me to you  
Can you forget the world that you thought you knew  
If you want me,  
Come and find me  
Nothing's stopping you so please release me_

The French project of man enters the room with his arms opened; he practically jumps on Kyoya as he crushes the brunette with his hug. Kyoya shyly hugs back and for a moment allows himself to close his eyes and enjoy the simple moment.

He wish he could fall to the floor in Tamaki's arms, he wish he could let go and be held by him like the girls in the Host Club. To be able to close his eyes and simply feel the energy that seems to flow out of the blonde. If only he could do that, eve if just for a moment...

It is times like these that he can't help but remember the beginning. The way Tamaki saved him, showed him that he is not completely doomed, that there are some things in his life that can change. The times in which he was the only one and that he didn't have to make an effort to hear the blonde. When Tamaki visited him just to be with him...not to talk about Haruhi.

He did do anything to have that past back - to erase the present and have Tamaki all to himself again.  
_  
I'll believe  
All your lies  
Just pretend you love me_

"Kyoya I have the most perfect idea for a Host Club weekend trip!" He excitedly said, slightly jumping at each word. Kyoya calmly listened, putting the tea tray in front of them both. He heard the word "beach" and he sighed. He was right all along. This was all about getting Haruhi in bikinis.

"So which beach do you want us to go? You do know that Haruhi cannot go outside the country since she does not have a passport and it must be somewhere near so we don't miss Monday's class." Kyoya said and patiently waited for Tamaki to think about where to go and answer him.

After the blonde started rambling again he closed his eyes, closed himself, not really wanting to hear whatever Tamaki was saying. His hands closed in fists under the green kotatsu. If being a commoner would make Tamaki love him than he did give up his fortune right now.

He did give up all of his dreams for it. He does and did not know what life without Tamaki is. Tamaki was the one that introduced him to a partially happy life. He cannot imagine what will be like once school is over and he goes back to France.

He will be broken and thrown back into the reality his father created or him. And this time he will have no one to save him and no reason to actually change. This time he will accept it because there is no reason for him to fight it.

_Make believe  
Close your eyes  
I'll be anything for you_

But there is nothing he can do to avoid the future, Tamaki is quickly falling madly in love with the short girl and all he can do is watch. He can't be the one Tamaki loves, but he will do anything Tamaki asks just to try – not like he could ever deny anything to him.

"I will see if everyone is available to the Host Club weekend trip. Though you should have told me earlier Tamaki. The exams are coming up soon." Kyoya said, pushing the glasses farther up his nose. Tamaki's mood started to change from happy to sad and Kyoya observed the change.

"But I just thought…well…we are all tired…I just wanted to have some fun time with everyone…we are family after all." He says, eyes cast down and Kyoya can't help but give a tender smile. He looks so adorably cute.

"I never said we won't go." The four eyed boy simply says and is bombarded by hugs. He sighs. He is forever trapped into this. No one will ever capture him like Tamaki involuntarily has. He allows a smile to form on his lips, hugging Tamaki back.

_Have you left to make me feel anymore  
There's only you and everyday I need more  
If you want me_

Unfortunately the moment ends far too soon for Kyoya's liking. Tamaki stands again and gets something from the bag of clothes he brought. _It is_ a bikini. Pink with laces.

Kyoya listen to everything the French says as he quietly and slowly drinks his tea. Oh how he envied the commoner girl. If he could choose anyone in the world he would like to be, it would be her. After all being her would make everything so much easier.

Tamaki could easily marry him if he was Haruhi, no one would ever object to that, not to mention that if he was Haruhi all the love Tamaki has for the girl would be directed towards him.

But he isn't Haruhi and never will be so he has to pretend that everything is fine and do his best to keep Tamaki close while he can.

_Come and find me  
I'll do anything you say just tell me_

So how exactly does he keep Tamaki close you may wonder? He obeys him. He listens to his complaints and stupidity and acquiesce every single request the "King" wishes. For that will make the French remain near - at least for the next year or so.

Kyoya stops thinking about his own world and feelings for a while to observe Tamaki. He is smiling like the idiot everyone thinks he is but the smile does not completely reach his eyes. He is talking about all that can happen and daydreaming, but the slight sad glint in his blue/violet eyes let Kyoya know that Tamaki is conscious of the fact that none of his daydreams will come true.

And of course the blonde knows he is in love with Haruhi; he may look like an idiot but in truth he is not one. He is doing all of this to disguise it of course. To lie to himself. Because if he ends up believing his own lies he won't have to risk his heart again…he won't fear losing her to someone else, someone more worthy in his mind.

_I'll believe  
All your lies  
Just pretend you love me_

Tamaki has as many fears and insecurities as Kyoya or even more. He lost his mother so he is afraid of risking himself again. So the whole father-daughter thing goes on while he lies to everyone especially himself.

But in truth Kyoya does not mind all of this. After all it is this madness that is avoiding midnight. This madness keeps the carriage from turning into a pumpkin. Amazing metaphor that Kaoru created…so incredibly fitting.

Tamaki yawned and Kyoya knew it was time to sleep. He finished his tea which was now cold and tasted bad; Tamaki did the same making an ugly face which almost –_almost_- made Kyoya smile.

_  
Make believe  
Close your eyes  
I'll be anything for you_

"Ne Kyoya do you think they will like my idea?" He asks after they both lay down on Kyoya's bed. It is always like this with Tamaki. Kyoya wonders if he does not know that no matter how much of friends they are, they are _not supposed to sleep on the same bed._ Not like he is complaining.

"I have no idea Tamaki." Kyoya answers, half-heartedly annoyed. Seeing the sad glint appear again on Tamaki's blue eyes, he ruffles the blonde hair slightly, getting the other's attention again. "They will be surprised at first, but I am certain they will like it after we are actually at the beach." Kyoya partially lies.

But the lie was worth it, for Tamaki stares him in the eye and his lips form a small kind smile. The French knows it is a lie but apparently he appreciates Kyoya's effort. Kyoya forgot how to breathe for a moment, staring back at Tamaki.

_I'll believe  
All your lies  
Just pretend you love me_

The blonde sighed and cuddled with Kyoya, head resting on Kyoya's shoulder and one arm lazily wrapped around the brunette's waist. This does not happen with just _anyone_. No...only the blonde boy can. Kyoya lets him for there is no reason not to, and he does not want to avoid a moment that brings so much peace and calm to his mind and heart.

"Kyoya?" He hears the small whisper, knowing Tamaki is afraid of waking him up since he does not like to be woken.

"Yes?" The brunette questions, his voice slurred as sleep comes fast. It always does when Tamaki is there, when he is close and he can almost feel his heart beating, when he can _definitely feel_ him breathing on his neck.

_  
Make believe  
Close your eyes  
I'll be anything for you_

"Thank you." He says with that smile of his after Kyoya actually looks at him in the eye. They are so close, nose almost bumping, defying Kyoya's self control. The brunette smiles, his eyes not hidden behind his glasses, his soul opened for _only Tamaki to see._

Anything for you  
All without your hurt inside

"You have nothing to thank me for Tamaki." He simply says. It is true, or Kyoya does not feel obligated to actually do anything. He only pretends for he must keep his reputation of being selfish, mean and only doing things if they give him merit or benefits.

Though that rule actually applies to Tamaki just not in the way everyone thinks it does. Kyoya –by doing the things that Tamaki wantes- gets his company and friendship, his hugs, his whispers, his smiles and the happy glint on his blue eyes. That my friend is what Kyoya wants from Tamaki, that is the benefit.

_  
Will never never die  
I'll be, everything you need  
_

Soon Tamaki's breathing is even and he can feel Tamaki's breaths on his neck, tickling him, the blonde's mouth slightly opened. He wraps a hand around the other's back and caresses slowly, not wanting to awake the French boy.

And finally he does what he had wished before when they hugged. He closes his eyes and sighs deeply, taking in everything in this moment. The feel of Tamaki's weight against him, his breath tickling his skin, his lips lightly touching his neck from time to time, making him shiver; his arm wrapped on Kyoya's waist.

_  
I'll believe  
All your lies  
Just pretend you love me_

He takes several deep breaths as he struggles with his instincts, he struggles to keep his arms still and not hug Tamaki close and tight against him. He tries to think about things that will make him remember of his reality.

'Tomorrow...tomorrow' – he thinks. Tomorrow he has to wake up early and call everyone, he will have to pack and listen to Tamaki's rambling all over again. Tomorrow he will see Tamaki trying his best to win Haruhi's heart without even noticing. He sighs...this brought him back to normal

_  
Make believe  
Close your eyes  
I'll be anything for you_

Why - he asks himself- does he put up with all of this? Why is he right now torn between the happiness of having the other so close, and the ache of knowing this moment will fade when morning comes?

Because he is Tamaki's. Even without the other's knowledge of the fact. He will do anything, absolutely anything for the one that brought him to life even if just for a couple of years.


	4. Even in Death

**A/N: **

So people, I need to deeply apologize or all the delay this year, unfortunately I don't think I will be any quicker, at least not while school isn't finished. But cheer up, only two months away! For all of those that are still hanging on and waiting for the chapters, thank you for your patience.

Please hang on with me! Sorry for not thanking each reviewer I am sort of out of time. Thank all of you that reviewed! Hopefully you'll revew again.

**--**

**Even in Death**

Yuzuru wondered how he would possibly tell Tamaki this. He sighed, sitting on his bed and staring the angel-painted ceiling. As if looking up would prevent the tears to fall. He had always known this would eventually happen, that she would not be able to fight it for too long but he had hoped that he and Tamaki would be able to see her with life at least once before she died.

Apparently he was wrong. She was gone. How could he possibly tell Tamaki that his mother was dead? He himself was having the worst time believing it. The love of his life, the only one he ever loved...lost forever.

How can he call his son – that is happily spending his time at the beach with his friends- and say his mother just died? How could he possibly do that? Oh what a burden, what a burden it was to carry the Suou name. To think his son will have to carry the same burden.

_Give me a reason to believe that you're gone  
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong  
_

He gets up from his bed, slowly and shaky he walks to his nightstand and gets the only picture he saved of her. The only one he managed o hide before his mother burned it. She looked beautiful and healthy, Tamaki was still a baby and he smiled in her arms, He was beside her, an arm around her shoulders, smiling to the camera.

Not being able to hold himself anymore, he let the tears pour freely and he cried, and cried, and cried. He screamed, he punched the pillows, the matress, the walls, anything, everything, all he could do just so he could stop the pain. Why, oh why did she have to die so soon?

Getting a little bit of his composure back he picked up the phone on his nightstand ringing in the employee area of the house.

"Yes, Suou-sama?" Shima-san asked, already knowing about the bad news but also knowing how much Yuzuru despised talking about these issues when they happened.

"Get the Ootori youngest on the line, warn him about everything –though I suspect he already knows, and ask him to bring Tamaki back. Do not let him say anything to Tamaki yet." Yuzuru said. He knew that if he called Tamaki himself his son would panic and suffer even before knowing. He also knew that Kyoya could be thrusted and would be needed once Tamaki finds out.

_Moonlight on the soft brown earth  
It leads me to where you lay  
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home_"Will do Suou-sama." She simply answered and hung up. Yuzuru sat down on the floor, in front of his nighstand, back being supported by his bed, the picture of his wife, Tamaki and him on his hands. It was one of the happiest moments in his life.

He knows she is gone, knows she will never come back and he will never see her smiling again, never hear her sweet voice singing a lullaby to Tamaki...but yet his heart aches, no matter if she is dead or alive, sick or healthy, he always loved her and always will love her.

He wished, for a moment, that he could die with her, that he could lay and instead of sleep he would stop breathing and die. Meet her whatever she is. He doubts it but even if she had gone to hell, to purgatory, no matter where he would go if only he could be with her again.

He would give anything to be with her right now. The phone rings loudly in his ear and he breathes deeply a couple of times before actually picking it up.

"Ootori Yoshio-sama wishes to speak with you Suou-sama." Shima-san said, knowing Yoshio would probably be the ony one he would answer right now.

"Ok, pass the call." He answer with his irregular and low voice. He hear a click and there is a long and thick silence. Yoshio breathes slighty too deep before actually talking.

"My condolences." He said quickly but his voice was softer than normal and close to a whisper. Yuzuru sniffed trying to cry silently, he knows that Yoshio is competition after all; but on a moment like this he doesn't care if he is showing weakness or not.

"Thank you..." He answer and continues crying. Though Yoshio is saying nothing and there is absolutely no reason why, he feels a little bit more controled after hearing the simple words. He knows how many barriers the other man just crossed to be able to give condolences over someone everyone considered no more than a "courtesan".

_I will stay forever here with you  
My love_

Eventually they hung up and Yuzuru laid on his bed, wanting the same as before: to sleep and never wake up. But he knew that his wish would not be granted.

He took hours to sleep and only actually slept for less than an hour before his son and Kyoya arrived on the second Suou Mansion. He heard the knock on the door and slowly got up, fixing his clothing and hair as best he could. Standing near the window, the picture still in his hand he told them to open the door.

It didn't take long for Tamaki to understand what had happened. Kyoya's eyes were downcast, the light on the bedroom was off, his father did not say a word after he entered the bedroom and he could not miss the picture he was holding on his left hand.

He turned to his best friend, panic and desperation on his features, Kyoya took off his glasses and put a hand on his shoulder, sadness printed in his eyes. Tamaki's eyes widened and rolled to the back of his head, before he could hit the floor Kyoya's arms were tightly wrapped around him.

_  
The softly spoken words you gave me  
Even in death our love goes on  
_

When he woke up he was laying in an airplane reclining seat, a soft pillow under his head and a thick blanket covered his body, keeping him from the cold air conditioner. He seemed almost catatonic, the tears weren't coming and his eyes were completely empty. Yet, there was pain, he was feeling it...but in a way he felt as if it wasn't him, as if he was watching this from afar.

He turned in his chair and on the seat beside his was Kyoya, reading a book, looking tired since he probably had not slept. On the other side, curled up and hiding from the world was his father. God knows how he had managed to get them all to go to the funeral but Tamaki was glad he did.

Kyoya took some time to see that Tamaki was awake, smiling sadly after he did. By seeing the look on his friend's eyes Tamaki allowed himself to suffer, the pain suddenly overwhelming him, hitting with full force and bringing tears along. The seats were big, though after Tamaki crawled into Kyoya's seat they felt a bit small. Nonetheless the brunette stroked the blonde's back and whispered calming phrases in french.

They stayed like that for hours until Tamaki feel asleep again on Kyoya's arms. Kyoya himself could not take the fatigue and ended up sleeping as well, his head resting on top of Tamaki's. Yuzuru saw it all, and though it seemed strange and unusual he dismissed it, after all who else could Tamaki run to right now?

_  
Some say I'm crazy for my love, Oh my love  
But no bonds can hold me from your side, Oh my love  
_

They arrived in France looking destroyed, all of them wore black sun glasses to cover the dark bags under their eyes, Kyoya tried to go by as decoration for no one was supposed to know he was there. It was such a struggle to convince his father to let him go. Use things like "it will make the companys bond stronger" – such a lie.

The deathwatch was quiet and so extremely sad, it was a miracle they both Suohs didn't faint when they saw her lifeless form. Both Tamaki and Yuzuru kneeled next to the coffin and stayed there for hours, muttering things in French and crying silently.

Yuzuru will never forgive his mother for this, will never forgive her for putting her own son and grandson through such pain. Tamaki looked like he had just died as well, pale, dark purple bags under his eyes, the glint of his blue eyes missing completely. He assumed he looked pretty much the same.

But her...she still looked beautifully angelical.

_They don't know you can't leave me  
They don't hear you singing to me_Her mouth was slightly curved upwards in a small smile that she carried in her lips no matter what, her blonde hair was spread over the white roses around her head, she wore a simple white dress –she had asked while living to be buried wearing white- and a small bouquet of opened white roses.

He sighed, there was so much left unsaid, so many things he had planned for them once his mother died, everything gone. She died and took a little piece of himself along with her. He wondered how he was supposed to live now. With nothing to fight for.

And I can't love you, anymore than I do

Though they had spent hours mourning over her death, it felt like minutes close to the time they both had wanted to spend with her but never had a chance to do so. They stood up when funeral time came and carried the coffin in their shoulder all the way towards her grave.

There was no sun on the sky bu it wasn't rainning either, the green of the grass seemed duller and the trees made fantasmagoric shadows on grass and graves.

Tamaki kept his eyes focused on his mother all the time until they started to lower the coffin and throw the dirt on top of it. Silent tears were shed once again, Tamaki searched blindly for Kyoya's hand, knowing he would be there by his side. He held it tightly, so tight Kyoya thought it would break. But he let him anyway.

_I will stay forever here with you  
My love  
_

After the funeral they went back to their hotel, but before they could go to their rooms and try to rest Yuzuru asked Kyoya for a moment alone with his son, something he rarely did and that startled both teens. Kyoya nodded and went to his room leaving Tamaki and Yuzuru alone.

Father and son went to the restaurant, chosing a table far away from everyone, trying to hide from the world for a while. They sat down and the older blonde took a deep breath.

"Tamaki this latest event made me think a lot about your future son." He began, not wanting to say the words "death of your mother". "I don't want this life for you." He said and looked at his son, observing his reaction. He looked a lot surprised.

"I've seen your interest in the commoner girl. What is her name?" He asked, memory failing him for a while, still a bit bewildered Tamaki answered.

"Haruhi...Father." He simply said as his father nodded.

"Yes, her. I believe that would please your grandma but...if it's not her I will support you." He said and stood up partially remembering that he is not supposed to have such talks and indulge the disrespect between Tamaki and his grandma. Tamaki got up as well after a few seconds. "I'll spare you from moments like this morning and last night. I promise." He said and left the restaurant, left his son standing in complete awe at his actions.

All Tamaki's mother ever wanted was for him to be happy, Yuzuru will carry this wish with him and honor it.

_The softly spoken words you gave me  
Even in death our love goes on  
_

Kyoya entered the restaurant soon after, he was worried about "the talk" and had stayed. Tamaki saw him and walked up to him, looking less miserable than in the past two days.

"Is everything ok?" Kyoya asked, concern showing on his still not hidden eyes. Tamaki gave him a prototype of a smile and Kyoya felt a stab in his heart. How long would it take before he could see Tamaki smile openly again? Tamaki nodded.

"Kyoya...We are leaving tonight right?" He asked and the brunette nodded. "I think I am going to the cemitery...I don't know when I will be able to come back again and I haven't...said goodbye properly yet." He said, pausing a feel times, voice weak._  
_

_Some say I'm crazy for my love, Oh my love  
But no bonds can hold me from your side, Oh my love  
_

"Want me to come along with you?" Kyoya asked though he already knew the answer to his question. Tamaki nodded and slowly they walked out of the hotel and took a cab to the cemitery. A limousine would be too obvious and they could be followed by reporters.

Tamaki did not imagine that he would see no one less than his father, sitting beside her graves, pouring his heart out, confessing his love and asking for forgiviness in loud and clear French for everyone to hear.

But there was nothing Yuzuru could do, he had controlled himself in the past days, but he couldn't do that anymore. Never had anything hurt him so much. Not even when they were separated, not even when his mother forced them to be apart. Everyone told him back then that it was almost like death.

They had no idea what they were talking about.

_They don't know you can't leave me  
They don't hear you singing to me  
_

Death was a thousand times worth, he was so absolutely broken now. Because even though he knew it was crazy, when she was alive he had the hope of maybe seeing her again someday. Sending her a letter, managing for his son to see her.

Oh Tamaki...how was his son going to move on now? How was he going to live without the chance of ever seeing his mother again?

How will Yuzuru possibly survive without her?

_  
And I can't love you anymore than I do.  
_

Tamaki stood frozen hidden behind a tree listening to these questions leaving his father's mouth. Why did his mother have to die for his father to realize all of this? Why did it have to be this way?

Before he realized he was crying again, the sight of the suffering too much for him, after a few tears left his puffy eyes, a pair of arms wrapped themselves around his shoulder; Tamaki, knowing perfectly well who this arms belonged to, turned and buried his head on the crook of Kyoya's neck, arms encircling his waist tightly, body trembling.

"Kyoya, Kyoya, Kyoya..." He whispered the others name again and again in desperation, asking, in his own way, for Kyoya not to leave. Kyoya put a hand on the back of his neck and caressed the spot slowly as if he was trying to calm down a child.

"Ssh...I am here and I am not going anywhere." He whispered on the others ear and felt Tamaki's shuddering subside a little bit. This Mommy is not going anywhere, on the contrary, this Mommy intends to stand by Daddy's side forever.

_  
People die, but real love is forever_


	5. Further Away

**A/N:**

To everyone that reviewed: thank you, thank you and thank you! Also want to thank those that added this story or me to their alerts/favorites! Thanks you guys, keep on reading, reviewing and adding! Bye!

Ps.: Sorry for being so quick, I'll answer to each review as soon as I manage to put my life back on the right tracks, heh.

**---**

**Further Away.**

Tamaki was a little better after saying goodbye and crying his heart out on the afternoon, but obviously luck is not on his side this week, and before he leaves his grandmother requests to have a dinner with him and him alone. How did she find out he was there he had no idea, he only wished she hadn't.

He was sitting at the same table where he had the conversation with his father, only now he noticed that it was by the window and that the night was bright and beautiful. The restaurant was enterily decorated in light, peach colors, the chandeliers shone above them, almost as much as the moon outside. But what was the point anyway? His grandmother would not smile to him no matter how much the moon shone to them tonight.

She arrived, looking magnificent as always. Her grandson was already there waiting for her. He instantly stood up when she entered the room but the smile he usually carried was no longer there and his eyes were dull. 'Good.' – she thought. At least his mother's death taught him to be more like the Suou he is supposed to be.

Finally that stupid smile was off of his face and away from her.

_I took their smiles and I made them mine.  
_

"I assume you know that I don't have much time so I don't want you to argue with what I am going to tell you; and listen carefully for I will not repeat myself." She said in her usual harsh tone as she sat across from him. He said or did nothing, simply stared.

She asked one of her secutiry guards for something, a little notebook and opened in the table, putting some half-moon glasses on and trying to read.

"Close the curtains this light if reflecting and hurting my eyes." She requested before dinner began and he obeyed, closing the peach silk curtains and blocking the moonlight from them. "Good, now there are somethings I must talk to you. For starters, I hope you know that time is passing, this is your last year in school and the year to make your final choice." She paused for a second only to ask for a glass of water, not once staring Tamaki in the eye.

What choice, you may wonder? Whether or not he will be the sucessor of Suou business. Deadline resumed his grandmother's words.

_I sold my soul just to hide the light.  
_

"Also, I am sending you after you return to Japan – the place you should be in this very minute;" She said, voice slightly higher only to come back to normal. "a list of girls I think you should meet. Pay attention to each one and pick the one you like best." Meaning: I'll send you a marriage list, chose a girl from it and marry her.

"And I want you out of this Club in which you engaged yourself in the past two years-" She began saying only to be interrupted by Tamaki's sudden outburst.

"But Grandma-" He began arguing, but it was obvious she was not going to let him do that.

"Quiet filthy child! I said in the beginning that I wanted no arguing from you." He closed his mouth and took a deep breath, the dull look on his eyes replaced with anger. "As I was saying, I want you out for it is not good for your reputation not to mention you are also ruinning the reputation of your friends. I am sure an Ootori is not supposed to take part into such activities." She said and saw him flinch, at that she smiled. One of his weak points.

"But he is –unlike you- a good son and tries to improve the connections between his family and others by engaging himself in such ridiculous events." Tamaki felt his heart ache as his grandmother called him a "connection" to Kyoya. He knew – or at least hoped with every cell in his body- that he meant more than _just that._

"Not to mention the prodigy girl who is lacking in her studies just to aquiesce your selfish desires. I wonder if you are as much of a friend for them as they are for you. Though stopping you from marrying Éclair wasn't something very friend-like to do was it Tamaki?" He did not answer knowing it would be a rethorical quesion.

_And now I see what I really am,  
_

"Let's face the fact that maybe if you had married Éclair your mother would have the strengh and will to beat her disease and could be here with us this very instant. Or at least you would have gotten a chance to spend more time with her and properly say goodbye. What a shame don't you think?" She sarcastically and bitterly asked.

His grandmother was everything _but a grandmother. _She was evil, mean, manipulative, conservative...a lot of bad things. She had just poked every single one of Tamaki's wounds with a sharp stick and it hurt him, his eyes watered but he refused to cry in front of her.

_A thief, a whore, and a liar._

He refused to admit that she was right. He refused to believe he is everything she is implying and that he is guilty not only of his mother's death but also of Haruhi's and Kyoya's study and family problems. Unfortunately deep down he is sure he is partially guilty, and that knowledge is what hurts him the most. His grandmother is only saying what he knew all along.

She left without touching her food and he did the same. His mother's funeral followed by the talk with his grandma did not leave space for hunger. And besides, he is late for his flight back home.

_I run to you,  
_

The flight back to Japan was quiet and cold. He didn't hug Kyoya or invaded his seat, he simply copied his father and curled up on his side facing the airplane windows. There were nothing but clouds blurring his vision of the night sky. He chose to focus on them than on his grandmother's words.

And though his father had been kind in France things went back to normal once he returned to Japan. He was forced to go to school even though he was still mourning over his mother's death. He stayed to watch the acts on the Host Club, but he excused himself from those for a indeterminated period of time.

He would not shut down the Club not even if God himself asked him too.

"Tamaki...would you like to stay at my house tonight?" Kyoya asked, concern on his eyes. Tamaki partially smiled at this, for Kyoya to actually _ask for Tamaki to be there _meant that he was_ really, really _worried.

"No, it's ok. You need to study anyway. I will be fine." He simply answered, though Kyoya looked confused and even a bit hurt, he left and Tamaki stayed on the third Music Room, standing by the window, pondering over his grandmother's words and his mother's death.

_Call out your name,_

He had not noticed the brunette, short girl that had stayed even after Kyoya left. Haruhi approached him, looking at him as if he would crumble into pieces on the ground at any second.

"I am sorry for your loss Senpai..." She softly said and shly put a hand on his shoulder. He looked at her for a moment, wondering whether or not he should talk to her about what at the window again he put his hand over hers, gesture calming him and her a little bit.

"Haruhi...have you been studying lately? Is the Host Club intrfering with your study?" He asked, looking at the girl with worried eyes. She raised and eyebrow at the odd question but soon remembered the fact that he _did go to France where his __**grandmother lives.**_

"Tamaki-senpai..." She began with a tired sigh. "The Host Club is not disturbing any of our lives, we all have made that clear already. I don't know what happen but you shouldn't belive in what this person said." She said, determination in her voice. Tamaki gave her a small smile and continued holding her hand. The only person besides her that ever knew what had happened even before he said it was Kyoya.

If only he knew Kyoya had not left and was standing behind the partially open doors of the Third Music Room looking like someone had just ripped his heart out.

_I see you there, further away.  
_

Tamaki left school feeling a bit more relieved after hearing the girl's words. Still there are some things that he cannot tell the girl. How can he possibly explain that she is one of the girls in his "marriage list"? Impossible.

Thinking again about Kyoya's questions earlier that day, Tamaki packs some things and decided to sleep in his house, he needed his friend now more than he had ever needed him before.

_I'm numb to you - numb and deaf and blind.  
_

Kyoya had tried to distract himself for the rest of the day. The weekend and beginning of the week had been madness to him, not to mention the lovey-dovey moment he had just witnessed at the Host Club. So here he was sitting on the floor trying to do his homework.

He had offered his house, his comfort, his arms, his heart, soul, everything but Tamaki had refused. Yet, one simple touch from the commoner and there was Tamaki smiling again. At least now he knew that Tamaki would be _just fine_ without him the next week. His hands formed into fists as he felt anger and frustration taking over him.

_  
You give me all but the reason why.  
_

"Kyoya...are you ok?" He heard a soft, familiar voice ask. Not realizing he had closed his eyes, he opened them and looked up. Tamaki was there, standing at his bedroom door with a puzzled expression. His maids probably let him in, his presence is familiar at his home.

"Yes, why do you ask?" He asked back, his composure being recovered by the second. Blue eyes suspiciously eyed him at his answer. Tamaki hated when Kyoya hid something away from him like he was doing right know.

"You seemed a bit...angry. Are you sure there is nothing wrong?" Tamaki questioned again and walked up to where his friend is, dropping his bag of clothes on the floor and sitting across from Kyoya.

_I reach but I feel only air at night.  
_

"Of course I am sure." He lied, a smile so fake even Honey would notice. "But what about you...what is wrong? I thought you said you did not want to stay here tonight." Kyoya said only to bite his bottom lip right afterwards. He was making himself obviously hurt and frustrated. He could not let Tamaki notice anymore.

The blonde continued looking at him suspiciously for a while but decided to stop it, whatever this was Kyoya would talk to him when he felt comfortable. At least that is what he thought. "I...I am sorry Kyoya." He said and looked down.

_Not you, not love, just nothing.  
_

Kyoya blinked a couple of times before the words sunk in. Sorry? "For what?" He asked, not knowing if meant to ask it or if it was just a very loud thought. The blonde smiled apolagetically and looked at him, his eyes shinning too much from unshed tears.

"For disturbing you the past two years. For ruinning your reputation, for-" He started but Kyoya cut him off, shaking his head, letting go of his anger for a few seconds and giving Tamaki a small smile, taking one of the blonde's hands in his.

"Tamaki...I assume this must be related to the talk you had with your grandmother but I want you to know you can and _must _forget it. If I had not wanted to take part on the Host Club I would have not. Don't worry." He said and was rather happy – if not a bit proud – that the smile he received was bigger and happier than the one Haruhi's received.

_I run to you,  
_

"Haruhi said pratically the same thing, this afternoon, after you left." Scratch the last thought. The smile wasn't for him it was simply because _he remembered Haruhi's words. _Kyoya's gentle smile faltered for a second or two only to be replaced by the fake one once again, the hand holding Tamaki's quickly detached itself. Tamaki noticed but said nothing, though his friend's behavior was making him extremly uneasy.

"So...you two talked about what happened in France?" Kyoya asked and stood up, not wanting to face the blonde for much longer. He walked over to a small table next to the couch where a teapot and a few cups were. Tamaki stared at his friend's back feeling slightly exasperated at Kyoya's cold behavior.

_Call out your name,  
_

"I just asked her if the Host Club was interfering in her studies and she answered almost the same thing you did." He said and searched for Kyoya's eyes as the boy sat down across from him again and handed him a cup of tea. To Tamaki's surprise Kyoya seemed to be avoiding the blonde's stare.

"I am glad she feels the same way that I do then." Kyoya simply said though he knew Tamaki would never understand the hidden meaning behind the word '_feels'. _Kyoya is pretty much sure Haruhi will _never__** feel**_ as he does for the blonde. "Did you tell her about the conversation with your grandmother?" He asked.

_I see you there, further away.  
_

Tamaki still searched for the grey eyes but he barely got to look at those as Kyoya did his best to hide them. For some unknown reason his heart ached in that moment, he needed Kyoya more than anything but for some mysterious motive the brunette was shuting himself off in the subtlest of the ways. Had he ever done that before, maybe when Tamaki was paying less careful attention to him?

"Er...no" He answered after a long observing pause. "If I did I would have to mention the fact that my family wants me to marry her. I don't think she would react very well to that." He explained and at that Kyoya stared at him, his eyes showing some sort of emotion that Tamaki could not define.

_Try to forget you,  
_

"Do you want to marry her?" Kyoya merely asked like he was making a comment about the weather. Tamaki tried to decipher the emotion hidden in Kyoya's eyes but he couldn't not matter how much he tried.

"I...I don't know. I didn't expect that they would ask me to make this decision so soon. We haven't even finished highschool yet! And she said all of that right after my mother's death I..._I just can't_..." He tried to explain, voice failling him ad memories of the funeral flood his mind. He closed his eyes trying to push thoughts away, trying to block them._  
_

_But without you I feel nothing.  
_

He heard Kyoya standing up and opened his eyes only to find his friend by his side. "I know, I know. Do not pay so much attention to your grandmother, your father will still support you no matter what you do. Now..." He began and paused, stretching his hand out for Tamaki to take and stand up as well. "Let's sleep. We have school tomorrow and you have an entire year to think about these issues."

He was smiling gently at him again, Tamaki noticed. He smiled back and gladly took Kyoya's hand, standing up and –to Kyoya's surprise- hugging the brunette friend. "Thank you Kyoya."

_Don't leave me here, by myself.  
_

Kyoya hugged back but only for a few seconds before letting go and walking to his drawers, grabbing a pair of pijamas and throwing one of them on the bed for Tamaki. He could not indulge these moments, not anymore.

He knows he is hurting Tamaki by acting like this but he can't help it. His father had also given him a deadline. On this very Friday night Kyoya is going to take a flight to New York where a lot of important families will be meeting at a expensive ball. He has –like Tamaki – received a "marriage list". All the girls on his will be there with the exception of Haruhi.

He simply _has to stop __**loving Tamaki.**_

_I can't breathe.  
_

Tamaki feels the ache in his heart increase the more Kyoya seems to try to escape him. What happened? He asks himself but no answer comes. He looks at Kyoya, he is turned to his drawer busying himself with anything. Tamaki sighs in worry, what can he do for his friend to say what is wrong?

Kyoya listens the sigh and tries his best to push the guilt feelings away.

_  
I run to you,  
_

After changed they both lay on Kyoya's bed, Kyoya leaves one lamp lit, beside him and pretends to be reading a book, maybe like this Tamaki won't cudle, maybe like this he can distance himself quicker before having to give this up forever.

Tamaki though, does not let that stop him and hugs his best friend's waist, one arm tugging at his pijama shirt and the other wrapped around his waist, head resting on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

_Call out your name,  
_

Kyoya feels Tamaki's grip on his middle and contains a deep breath, his hear rate quickens and he knows his friend can notice it since he is resting his head _right above his heart._ Yet he says nor does nothing.

Tamaki hears Kyoya's heart speed up and looks at Kyoya's face, it's expresionless. One of Kyoya's hand is holding the book and the other is simply by his side, on the bed, instead of being on Tamaki's back.

_I see you there, further away,  
_

Tamaki is scared. Kyoya has not shut down like this ever since they have met. What happened? Afraid of losing his friend Tamaki hugs Kyoya tighter as if the other would leave if the blonde released him.

Kyoya feels this and gives up reading. Turning off the lamp and sliding into his bed he puts an arm on Tamaki's back like always but refuses to meet the French man's eyes.

The pain in Tamaki's heart does not leave and he finds it hard to sleep. Why is Kyoya so distant all of the sudden? And why is this bothering him so much? Why does he suddenly is almost begging for Kyoya to hug him back or to simply look at him in the eye?

'_**What is happening to me?' **_

_Further away,  
Further away,_

_Further away,_

_Further away,_

_Further away._


	6. Imaginary

**A/B:**

crimsoneyes44: Thanks ^-^! Yeah I know =/. Well, at least you like my style of writing XD.

DarkHuntress01: Thank you! I am putting my best efforts in it! Keep R&R.

xDrEaMeRx4xEVA: Thanks, I am glad you liked it so much! Hope you review again because I have updated! ^-^.

---

**Imaginary**

It is Friday, everyone is at school, including the distracted bespectacled boy and his worried blonde friend. Tamaki can feel something is wrong with Kyoya, he can almost hear the other's heartbeat increasing by the second. Ever since he slept on Kyoya's house he realized Kyoya was not the same.

Kyoya, on the other hand is trying his hardest not to let anyone see through. Unfortunately for Tamaki is not _just anyone. _If only his friend knew that in a few hours from now, Kyoya would be on a plane to New York, looking over _his_ marriage list for the apropriate girl.

He has not told anyone about his trip, he plans to do so after the Host Club. But he can't help feeling slitghtly disquiet whenever he wonders how Tamaki will feel about this. It has only been a week since his mother died and Kyoya is taking off to another country.

He sighs, at least if Tamaki gets angry he will stay away from Kyoya, which right now would help the brunette move on and get married.

_Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming  
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights_

The day goes by quickly and before Kyoya notices the Host Club is over. He asks for everyone to stay a bit longer and they all do, sitting on the couches and chairs in a small cirle. Kyoya does not sit though, he wants to be brief and leave as soon as possible.

"Ne Kyo-chan, is there something wrong?" Honey asks, sitting on Mori's lap, his head cocked to the side, his eyes showing something between curiosity and worry.

"No, there is nothing wrong Honey-senpai I just need to report your duties for next week." Kyoya mencioned calmly, trying to avoid the blue eyes he knew, were boring into him.

"You could've just sent and sent a text message senpai. I need to get home to my chores." Haruhi said, showing her annoyance over the time she wasted on the Host Club. If he was a dog he would be biting her into pieces on this very second. Shame he isn't.

_Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming  
The goddess of imaginary light_

"They are going to be different from this week's ones Haruhi, that is why I asked for you to stay." He explains, standing behind a chair –the chair next to Tamaki's, gripping the wood with his fingers to stop him from losing control.

"The Shadow King is getting nervous." The twins said in a mocking tone, devious smirks on their lips, arms around each other's shoulders. They all started talking at the same time, and Kyoya closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm himself down.

"Let Kyoya speak, if he asked everyone to stay then it must be important." Tamaki said in a authoritative voice. They all stopped. Amazing how Tamaki managed to get their respect even though he was such an idiot 99% of the time. Kyoya on the other hand, he could die trying and no one would _give a shit_.

"The reason why I have changed your schedules and duties is because I will not be here next week. I have important events that I cannot miss, unfortunately to be able to be present in such events I will miss one week in school." He said and the silence and tension on the room could almost be touched.

_In my field of paper flowers  
And candy clouds of lullaby_

Tamaki's eyes were wide and his mouth partially opened. Kyoya looked away, if he continued to stare at the French young man he would probably give up and stay in Japan. The twins distangled themselves and Kaoru stared at him, in his eyes there was the same observation look that Haruhi currently carried.

"You are going to New York right?" The red head asked, everyone turning to Kyoya and waiting for an answer. Hikaru looked down, apparently guilty for having mocked Kyoya.

"Yes. I will be back next Friday night, I assume you can handle the club without me until then." He said, cutting the subject of his trip, he did not want to discuss about it. Whatever he decides on this trip is his burden to carry, his soul to taint.

_I lie inside myself for hours  
And watch my purple sky fly over me_

"Why...why didn't you tell us this before?" Tamaki stuttered, standing up, beside Kyoya. He appeared to be exhaling this power that made Kyoya feel so small. He didn't want to face him, face the confusion, the hurt and the anger that were certain to be there.

"There was no need to. It would lead to a lot of questioning over nothing." He said, finally looking up to meet the other's eyes. He felt overwhelmed by a second, he could almost feel the ache Tamaki was feeling. Everyone else in the room had slowly stood up and was getting ready to leave.

"You can send us the schedules and instructions for next week by e-mail Senpai. We will warn Haruhi too if you would like." Kaoru said in a low tone by his side, going by unnoticed by Tamaki.

"He will do that Kaoru." Tamaki said, the authority tone back in his voice. He breathed deep before turning to everyone with his normal smile and saying. "Well...I am sorry, I know it would be better if he instructed everyone now but there is something we must discuss."

Tamaki's kind way of saying "This is none of your business, get out.". Kyoya did not look at any of them as they left, staring at the floor and waiting for the blonde to speak.

_I linger in the doorway  
Of alarm clock screaming  
_

"Why didn't you tell _me _before?" Tamaki asked, his serious composure leaving him, sadness in his two blue orbs. Kyoya felt a sting behind his own eyes but ignored it.

"_There was no need to_." He repetead. "I knew how you would react and it is better that no one has too much time to ponder over this matter." He said. Translating : I did not want you trying to persuade me into staying. For I knew you would.

"No need to...? Kyoya how can you say that?! We have been friends forever and when I need you the most you..." He was almost yelling now but did not finish the phrase. He didn't need to anyway, Kyoya could figure how it would end. The brunette remained silent.

"Not to mention...how come does Kaoru knows where you are going and I don't? Have you told him before you told me?" Kyoya wondered for a second why did Tamaki was looking for this exclusive deal over him. He had not told anyone before now but why did Tamaki care if he was the first or second to know?

"No. He probably knows because his mother and father will be there. Along with a lot of other important personalities in Japan's business." _'And their sons and daughters...' _He thought. "Your father probably isn't coming due to the latest events so he did not feel the need to tell you, knowing how much you dislike this meetings in the first place." Kyoya simply said.

_Monsters calling my name  
Let me stay_

"You call my mother's death, latest events?" Tamaki said, staring right into Kyoya's eyes, his breathing quickening by the second. At this, the bespectacled boy looked down in shame. "What happened to you Kyoya? You used to fight against your father's will, against the future they have made for you but these past week has only proved to me that you are turning back into that Kyoya I first met."

There was exasperation in Tamaki's voice, he knows how much Kyoya is going backwards and is desperate to make him come back, to make him become what he truly is. But Kyoya cannot let him do that again.

"Not all is changed Tamaki. But there are some things that are rather useless for me to try to change." '_Why would I not marry a stranger if the one I love is out of my reach?' _He bitterly thought.

"I don't recognize you anymore Kyoya." Tamaki said and Kyoya closed his eyes, he could almost hear his heart shatter. He opened them again only to find Tamaki standing by the window, his back turned to the brunette.

_Where the wind will whisper to me  
Where the raindrops_

_As they're falling tell a story  
_

"Well, there is nothing I can do about that Tamaki. But I am still right here, whether you recognize me or not." He said taking several deep breaths to calm himself and swallow his pain, before picking up his things and leaving the Third Music Room.

"No you are not..." Tamaki whispered to no one, as he watched his friend leave Ouran grounds through the window. Tamaki's heart hurt like it had never hurt before, it ached, it seemed as if it would explode or be ripped away from him.

What has happened to them? How come has he managed to lose his best friend, his oldest friend? How did they distance like this, How come has he never noticed?

"What happened to you Kyoya?" He whispers, the urge to run after his friend and hug him, tell him everything is going to be ok no matter what his problem is, becoming more than he can handle. Reluctantly he leaves and goes home to ponder on the questions filling his head.

_In my field of paper flowers  
And candy clouds of lullaby_

Kyoya arrives home, his things are already packed and ready for him. He only has time for a quick shower before rushing to the airpot so he can check his things sooner and not be late. After all he is going to New York with his father's privet jet and Yoshio will not be pleased if he gets delayed because of his youngest son.

As he arrives to the international airport he can see his father, brothers and sister waiting for him there. They are all going, because all of them need things like these to meet new people and amplify their business. Fuyumi is only there to follow her husband and she looks awfully unhappy in this marriage. He feels pained for her as he is certain she feels the same for him.

They wait about twenty minutes before they can enter the jet. His brother's sit together and talk avidly about how their business are going and who they _must _meet on this trip. His father is talking with Fuyumi's husband, making sure she has been a good wife, and him a good husband. Fuyumi is sitting by herself in another part of the jet, made only for her –well for women, but since she is the only one she has to remain alone.

_I lie inside myself for hours  
And watch my purple sky fly over me  
_

He feels a bit disgusted by the coldness of his family and sits alone beside a window, staring idly at the sky, as if waiting for salvation to come out of the white clouds. Long hours wait for them until they actually arrive to their destination.

Kyoya is tired. Tired of it all, of his father, his family, his life. The game has lost it's appeal. What is the purpose of this competition if it has no prize for the winner? He is trying so hard to reach the top...but what will he find there? Nothing.

His thoughts do nothing but tire him more, slowly sleep comes, and he is happy to be able for the first time in years; to sleep for at least 10 hours.

_Don't say I'm out of touch  
In this rampant chaos, your reality_

His sleep is troubled. He has many nightmares, most of them involve Tamaki and Haruhi, money, failure and other things that his conscious mind does not allow him to think about.

They reach New York in time, two limousine awaits for them at the aiport and they are taken to the Four Seasons at the Upper East side. The hotel where the all-so important ball will happen. Kyoya is glad to have arrived, it is early in the morning so perhaps he will be able to get some time alone before having to face the endless meetings with a bunch of strangers.

_I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge  
The nightmare I built my own world to escape_

He locks himself in his hotel room, laying on the bed, staring at the beige ceiling. His body aches from the terrible sleep he had on the plane, his mind is racing though, checking everything he has to do this week.

Including the all so important ball and meeting with his wife. His breath races along with his mind as he thinks of this. He will meet a random stranger and this random stranger will be his wife, the mother of his children.

_In my field of paper flowers  
And candy clouds of lullaby_

He does not how this woman will be. He does not know if she is kind, or honest or loving. He does not kow if her eyes shine the brightest of the blues with a slight tinge of violet. Or if her hair seems to be made of pure sunshine itself.

Where will he leave after getting married? He is so young and yet he is alreayd pondering over such questions. What if he leaves Japan forever? What if he has to live in this cold, american city?

He rolls several times on the bed. He feels tired but not sleepy, the thougts in his head slightly panicking him.

_I lie inside myself for hours  
And watch my purple sky fly over me_

Will she be a good mom? Will she understand him and make him fight, turn him into a better man like Tamaki has done? What if he never sees Tamaki again? What if by the time he gets married they will have fought so many times that friendship will be a lost concept to them?

He feels his stomach aches and turns and entangles itself inside of him, the food he ate on the plane not being digested, on the contrary, willing to come out from where it came from. The more he thinks about how his life is going to be, the more nauseous he gets.

_Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming  
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights_

To think that one day he will wake up, look to his side and see a complete stranger. Or worse...he will go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and not recognize himself, just like Tamaki had done the past Friday.

Kyoya stands up in a quick motion, racing to the bathroom. It is pathetic really. To see him, an Ootori, throwing up on the toilet, kneeling on the floor simply because he can't face his future.

In truth –he thinks after emptying his stomach and wiping his mouth- he wish he could throw up his life out. His soul out. He wish he could throw up his heart out and simply vanish...maybe then in an endless sleep, he would be happy.

_Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming  
The goddess of imaginary light_


	7. My Tourniquet

**A/N:**

BregoArodShadowfax: I can't believe it either, but I guess it's because I take longer to update than other people do. I'll try to update faster, see if it changes anything. Thanks for reviewing and I am happy you enjoy my fanfic and the songs! =)

crimsoneyes44: Thanks :) and, oh, thank God the mistakes aren't that bad! I swear I have been tryng. And I'll try to update faster...let's see. Thank you for the review :).

The Obsidian Angel: Thanks! And I know, sometimes the comedy in Ouran angers me. There is too much conflict between the main characters -thanks to the lovely Haruhi- to be just ignored. So I explore it. I'll take a look at what you mentioned and thanks for reviewing!

**---**

**My Tourniquet**

He has been in New York for two days know. No sign of Tamaki or anyone else for that matter, he is completely alone on this one. Is **the **day today. The day of the Great Ball, where he is supposed to chose his wife, chose his future.

He sighs. There is no way he is getting out of this one. He finishes dressing his suit and tie, walking without his shoes on yet, he picks a expensive wine from the minibar. If he is actually going on if this may he do it while slightly dizzy. Not an honorable act for someone like him, unfortunately this wine was probably the only thing that would preent him froom fleeing the ball and running away.

He always thought that when the moment to become his father's sucessor came, he would be able to fufill it. He truly believed he had all it took, that not matter what sort of twisted family he had –including his new wife and future children- he would manage. He trusted that his work and professional sucess would compensate it.

Quickly he drinks half the bottle, drowing his thoughts and doubts, the lethargy slowly taking over his senses and he feels glad he drank it, it will make things easier.

_I tried to kill the pain  
But only brought more (so much more)  
_

He puts his shoes and enters the elevator, as it goes down on each floor, it gets crowded, beautiful and elegant women along with their presumptuous husbands. He politely gives space for others to stay and stands in to a small corner, trying not to drive any attention to himself. He does not want that yet.

The elevator finally reaches the floor they all want to go, and as if they were children walking in line to classroom they all go to the same place, the double wooden doors being opened by two smiling waiters.

_I lay dying_

_And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal  
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
_

The decoration is impecable, he notices. There is a set of yellow tulips and purple and purple peonys on a vase on top of each table – which were covered by the finest fabrics. Three long candles were aroung the vase, giving it a more elegant touch. The plates were made of porcelain and had a darker beige details. The crystal of the glasses shone along with the silverware. The room was decorated in light brown colors and yellow light. In the end of the room in a small stage there was a long black piano, followed by an also small dancefloor.

His eyes stare at the piano for a while, his mind playing tricks at him; saying that even without Tamaki, anything is better than the compromise he is about to make, anything can be better than an arranged marriage. He ignores his sudden burst of conciousness and focus on the decoration again.

There were few tables set, this was a really private event, only the best and most worthy families were invited. His was already sitting in one of the fancy tables, talking in low tones so no one would hear. His father was scanning the room, looking at the best 'wife material'girl he could find.

Suddenly he wish he had _actually _drowned in the white wine he was previously drinking.

_Am I too lost to be saved?  
Am I too lost?  
_

Kyoya meets his bride and family of the one and faces his future life, what it will be and how he is slowly losing himself in the lies his family creates. He is slowly fading away and dying forgetting who he is and what his purposes are.

She isn't ugly, he knows. As a matter of fact she resembles Tamaki in a very frightening way. Her eyes are a mix of light blue and green, reminding him of Éclair, her pale –almost white- blonde hair is extremly long, curling at the end. The main difference is the glint in her eyes. It is sharp, strong and guarded. Unlike Tamaki's opened and soft look, a look of happiness.

The girl and her parents apparently were located on the very same table as the Ootoris. Coincidence? I believe not. The girls parents exchange looks between each other and with their daughter, talking through them, though Kyoya is sure they love him._  
_

_My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
_

For a moment he wished they hated him. He is tired and worried, he is drowning. This is his family, his future. Suddenly he is in to this so deep that he wonders if the Kyoya Tamaki discovered ever truly existed.

Is it too late for him to still save a part of himself? Will his smiles ever be truthful again? How far is he on this competition? This game. He thought he loved this game and to a point he still does. But is he willing to sell himself, his soul for it?

Is he willing to sell his future and bring children into the world so they could have the same faith that he currently has?

As if there was a way out. There is none. What can he possibly do but marry her and live the life –the lie- that is expected from him? He will be the owner of the Ootori Companys, first in command, but right now he questions if all of this is worth it.

But without this and without Ouran and the Host Club...what would ever be with him?

_My God my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
_

"There is one thing I am concerned though." He heard his future father-in-law say in such a business-like tone. "Where will they live? After all you are from Japan, we are from France but our companies need to expand, another reason as to why we came here this week."

At least they are from Tamaki's country, that would give Kyoya a lot of excuses to visit the blonde after he marries Haruhi and moves back to France. The brunette swallows hard and dry at the thought, immediatly taking a sip of his champagne, trying to avoid the nauseating feeling that threatens to return.

"I've been thinking of investing more in America as well. New York is a good city for such investments, I believe they can stay here while they don't have any children." Children. Kyoya contained a shiver at the word. In a few years he would have to be a father. F-a-t-h-e-r. To make a child pass through the same thing...what an unfortunate world.

_  
Do you remember me  
Lost for so long  
_

"Oh certainly, New York is perfect for business, but as you said only until our grandsons come on their way." Both men chuckle and Kyoya think that if he recorded this he could sell it and use it as a devil's laugh in some terror movie. Let's also emphasize part of the word grand_sons_. A male heir- _heirs_.

"I believe they can decide where to go after that, right dear? Maybe Marin would like to come back to France to raise our grandchildren." The mother-in-law says, her husband momentarily glaring at her. Grandchildren, apparently she does not like this whole company game as well. She is worried about her precious daughter.

"I am sure that they can make that decision on their own once the time comes." The husband says, this is his way to tell her to shut up. They can't decide, Yoshio and him will decide their lives for them. That's obvious.

They all nod. Kyoya only watches, the girl – Marin- observes everyone as well, stopping to stare at him for a moment. They couldn't be more apart than now. They are strangers, completely unknown and yet, engaged.

_Will you be on the other side  
or will you forget me?  
_

He looks at his sister. Fuyumi looks in the verge of tears, her shiny eyes partially hidden by the some bangs of her dark hair. He catches Kyoya's stare and let's even more emotion show in her two orbs. He is desperate, hurting, not believing in any of this. She is suffering for him, absorbing his pain, smiling sadly at him. After all she already is going through what he will, she had her own arranged marriage.

He turns his gaze away, if he continues this he may start thinking too much and end up losing his composure just like his sister did. They finish talking about arrangements and all the wedding plans and Kyoya almost sighs in relief.

He wonders what will happen with Tamaki without Kyoya there. Will Haruhi be able to handle the blonde by herself? Doubtfully. He sighs this time, the ache in his heart becoming unbearable as he realizes how much he misses the blonde, as he remembers that he had to leave the country even though they had just fought.

_I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
Am I too lost to be saved?  
Am I too lost?  
_

Tamaki is on the other side of the globe, completely losing it. He never guessed that life without Kyoya would be so difficult and it had only been four days since he left! But these four days have been hell. He arrives everyday at school, stupidly hoping that Kyoya will be on his seat, waiting for him.

He remembers how his back turned to him, how he didn't look back as he left the Host Club. How he did not even call, not allowing Tamaki to say a "have a safe trip". Is this the way Kyoya felt when Tamaki was about to leave for France?

Why did they feel like this? Why do they? What is happening to them? Why is there something telling Tamaki that all of this is not normal between two friends? How come is Tamai hugging his pillow, crying silently...for both mothers.

Why does he wish to bury his head in Kyoya's chest instead? Why does he want to be as close to the other boy as possible? Why does he misses the way Kyoya smells at nights, right after the shower before they go to bed?

_  
My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
_

How lost are they? How dependant of each other are they now? Apparently a lot. At least for Tamaki. The past days, everytime he entered the Host Club and saw Kyoya's empty chair, he froze for at least two minutes, before someone –usually Haruhi- reminded him of his 'King' duties.

What was the fun anyway? He created this club with Kyoya. Who could be there to listen to his ideas but Kyoya? Who would he complain about the devilish twins? No one, not even Haruhi.

She didn't smile slightly, only the corner of her lips curving, she didn't close her eyes in amusement, her voice didn't get softer as she spoke to him. She is not Mommy. And Daddy cannot stand being away from Mommy.

_My God my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
_

His breath gets caught in his throat. He can't lose two mommy's at once. Not both of them, not the ones that matter the most. Besides, he shouldn't be like this, he knows Kyoya will come back.

But he is frightened because for the first time Kyoya travelled without him, _after a fight_. He feels as if the Kyoya he knew is disappearing before his eyes and there is nothing he can do. Or there is something but he can't grasp what is.

He needs to save Kyoya from all of this, all that is taking the brunette away from him. He will not allow that this world takes away the amazing and lovely boy he actually met that afternoon on the Ootori State. He has to do for Kyoya what Kyoya did for him when he was about to leave to France.

_  
My God, my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
_

Kyoya did not tell him, but in truth he didn't need to. In a way sometimes, when he remembers that day, he wishes Kyoya was there as well. He wonders how he would react if he heard the brunette saying "I love the Host Club as well." Knowing the meaning behind the phrase.

He shudders everytime he wonders about this, his heart starts beating a little faster and he can't help but smile as he imagines the look on Kyoya's eyes if he had been the one to say the words that made him stay.

And he also feels pained to know that Kyoya hurt his hand, punching a car out of pure anger. He knows how hurt he must have felt now. How betrayed and desperate, he wish he could make Kyoya understand that this is how he feels right now.

_My God my tourniquet  
Return to me salvation  
_

If only he knew that Kyoya is feeling the exact same thing. The pain of leaving everything he considered precious up 'till now, behind. He feels like he is killing a part of himself, or maybe the only real him.

In reality there is no way he can detach who he became from Tamaki, the blonde is the reason as to why everything changed. Besides, he was only indulging himself and his selfish wishes and dreams because he had the hope that Tamaki would be there for him.

Without him there, what is the point in saving his dreams and wishes from his future? There is absolutely no purpose in doing so. The onix eyed soon to be man lays on the bed, staring the ceiling and recalling the events of this twisted day. His heart aches, his body and mind aches...his soul cries.

_  
My wounds cry for the grave  
My soul cries for deliverance  
_

Slowly, thought by thought, action by action he is pratically signing his death. Not an actual death, but the death of the Kyoya everyone knew, the death of everything he and Tamaki built.

The teenage years are ending, the world is pushing him to his destiny and he can't do nothing but follow the path shown to him. He feels his past slip through his fingers, in a way he knew would happen sometime. But it would have been more subtle if it happened while Tamaki dated Haruhi. It would hurt less if he wasn't the one drifting apart so quickly.

This is the end of a chapter in Kyoya's life. The begining of a new one, one that resembles a lot his father's life. It is the walk towards the guillotine, only that Kyoya is willingly going. He is accepting the fate that his father built for him.

_Will I be denied?  
Christ, Tourniquet  
My suicide._

_**His suicide.**_


End file.
